LAUGH YOUR HEADS OFF!!

Husband says; "When I'm gone you'll never find another man like me".
Wife replied; "What makes you think I'd want another man like you!"

When I was young I used to pray for a bike, then I realized that God doesn't work that way, so I stole a bike and prayed for forgiveness.

Innkeeper: The room is $15. a night. It's $5. if you make your own bed.
Guest: I'll make my own bed.
Innkeeper: Good. I'll get you some nails and wood.

In the first year of marriage, the man speaks and the woman listens. In the second year, the woman speaks and the man listens. In the third year, they both speak and the neighbors listen.

Want to hear two short jokes and a long joke?
Joke. Joke. Joooooooooooooooooooookkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkke.

Two Muffins were baking in an oven. One muffin turns to the other and says, "Holy Shit it's hot in here!" The other muffin says, "Holy Shit... A talking muffin!"

Do you ever notice that when you're driving, anyone going slower than you is an idiot and everyone driving faster than you is a maniac?

Teacher: Tell me a sentence that starts with an "I".
Student: I is the....
Teacher: Stop! Never put 'is' after an "I". Always put 'am' after an "I".
Student: OK. I am the ninth letter of the alphabet.

Teacher: What are some products of the West Indies?
Student: I don't know.
Teacher: Of course, you do. Where do you get sugar from?
Student: We borrow it from our neighbor.

A: Just look at that young person with the short hair and blue jeans. Is it a boy or a girl?
B: It's a girl. She's my daughter.
A: Oh, I'm sorry, sir. I didn't know that you were her father.
B: I'm not. I'm her mother.

A snail walks into a bar and the barman tells him there's a strict policy about having snails in the bar and so kicks him out. A year later the same snail re-enters the bar and asks the barman "What did you do that for?"

A: Hey, man! Please call me a taxi.
B: Yes, sir. You are a taxi.

Death

It was early in the morning at four,
 When death knocked upon a bedroom door,
 Who is there? The sleeping one cried.
 I'm Malkul Mawt, let me inside.
 At once, the man began to shiver,
 As one sweating in deadly fever,

 He shouted to his sleeping wife,
 Don't let him take away my life.
Please go away, O Angel of Death!
Leave me alone; I'm not ready yet.
My family on me depends,
Give me a chance, O please prepense!

The angel knocked again and again,
 Friend! I'll take your life without a pain,
Tis your soul Allah requires,
 I come not with my own desire.
 Bewildered, the man began to cry,
 O Angel I'm so afraid to die,

 A Ramadan came and a Ramadan went,
 But no time had I to repent.
 The Hajj was already FARD on me,
 But I would not part with my money.
 All charities I did ignore,
 Taking usury more and more.

 I will refrain from usury,
 And give all my wealth to charity,
 Wine and wenches I will detest,
 Allah's oneness I will attest.
 We Angels do what Allah demands,
 We cannot go against His commands.

 You lived in this world, two score and more,
 Never did you, your people adore.
 Your parents, you did not obey,
 Hungry beggars, you turned away.
 Your two ill-gotten, female offspring,
 In nightclubs, for livelihood they sing.

 Instead of making more Muslims,
 You made your children non-Muslims.
 You ignored the Mua'dhin Adhaan,
 Nor did you read the Holy Quran.
 Breaking promises all your life,
 Backbiting friends, and causing strife.

 From hoarded goods, great profits you made,
 And your poor workers, you underpaid.
 Horses and cards were your leisure,
 Moneymaking was your pleasure.
 You ate vitamins and grew more fat,
 With the very sick, you never sat.

 A pint of blood you never gave,
 Which could a little baby save?
 O Human, you have done enough wrong,
 You bought good properties for a song.
 When the farmers appealed to you,
 You did not have mercy, tis true.
 Paradise for you? I cannot tell,
 Undoubtedly you will dwell in hell.

 There is no time for you to repent,
 I'll take your soul for which I am sent.
 The ending however, is very sad,
 Eventually the man became mad
 With a cry, he jumped out of bed,
 And suddenly, he fell down dead.

 O Reader! Take moral from here,
 You never know, your end may be near
 Change your living and make amends
 For heaven, on your deeds depends.
 If this poem inspires you,
 It can help someone too.